Breaking Dawn

Shame washes over me as I type this. Why after I totally hated Eclipse did I still borrow Breaking Dawn from my coworker? And why did I read this mammoth book in less than 48 hours? What is wrong with me?! Stephanie Meyer is sprinkling crack on her books. That's the only explanation.

Lindsey asked me in the comments of my Eclipse review last week if I was going to read the last book in the series and I have to say that I agree with her comments. Even though I was totally over Edward and Bella and all the spirit stories, I just felt that I needed to know how it was all going to wrap up. Was she ever going to just become a vampire? Would they really get married? Would Jacob ever just give up? And most importantly, were Edward and Bella ever going to stop teasing me with tame make out sessions and just DO IT already? And by "it" I totally mean the same thing I meant in the 3rd grade when I used the phrase. Without spoiling too much, let me just tell you that all of these questions are FINALLY answered in Breaking Dawn. And thank God, because I was getting crank-ee.

I will admit (as long as I'm in full confessional mode) that I found many of the answers to my questions above answered in a very satisfying manner. This book brought me much more satisfaction than I expected. But now I am going to spoil something (SPOILER ALERT) because I can't not do it. I just have one word to say, or rather, ask. Renesmee? RENESMEE??!! I have never in my life heard a more horrible name and this whole plot line, while completely addictive, was kind of weird and gross and instead of feeling all entranced by Renesmee, I felt totally creeped out by her. But maybe I felt kind of weird and grossed out in a Flowers in the Attic sort of way? Or like Flowers in the Attic meets Rosemary's Baby. And by this I mean that I couldn't tear my eyes away. (END OF SPOILER)

One last complaint and then I'll stop pretending that this is a legit book and that it deserves an actual critique. This book was filled with so many typos that I honestly started to wonder if they employed an editor at all before they just sent it along to the press.

Finally, I would just like to say to anyone in the Pacific Northwest that they are all officially invited to join me on November 21st to see the premier of what will simultaneously be the best and worst movie ever - Twilight. Call me.

Eclipse

I started this book as a bonafide fan, but by around page 500 I kind of wanted to barf all over it. Why I am so bothered by the implausibility of certain parts of this book, when the entire premise is that one of the main characters is a vampire?! I don’t think I get to be annoyed by Bella thinking that a real conversation is a dream when it SO CLEARLY IS NOT A DREAM, but then fully accept that there are werewolves and vampires running rampant 100 miles from my home. But I am and I do. And also? If I had to hear one more Native American story about spirit warriors I was going to stab myself with a wooden stake, or beat myself over the head with a big cross, drown myself in holy water, or suck my own blood. Something. Anything other than keep reading.

I was in Belize when the story line was ramping up for the “big battle” and I just couldn’t bring myself to care. I almost used the book to kill a giant scorpion that made its way into our bedroom. Instead, Jeff trapped it under a huge margarita glass and carried it outside while I cowered on the bed.

Unwilling to completely abandon the book, I decided to skip the next 100 pages or so and just read the last chapter. Imagine my surprise when it appeared that NOTHING had changed in the 100 pages that I’d skipped! Bella still wants to be a vampire and Edward still worries about her immortal soul.

But here’s the thing. Now that it’s been a week or two since I left the book behind in my Belize hotel…. I kind of want to know what I missed. What is wrong with me??!!

New Moon

Before I review this, I have to confess that I read New Moon over a period of 24 hours, right before leaving for my 2 week vacation. This is basically a disclaimer for why I remember very little and have not much to say in my “review”.

Bella still wants to become a vampire, Edward still worries about her immortal soul, there’s still a lot of moody eye contact, only now werewolves are doing it too. The only major change is the addition of the character Jacob Black - now there are two men to carry Bella like a princess while running from the bad guys!

I kind of loved it, but a little less than Twilight. Of course after finishing New Moon, I immediately drove to B&N at 9:59pm the night before we left for Guatemala so that I could buy Eclipse for vacation reading, so I don’t know why I’m acting like I’m all too-cool-for-school for Stephanie Meyer.

Twilight

SERIOUSLY PEOPLE. How can something so wrong feel so right? I read this book in 2 days, and I'm ashamed to say I think I might not be able to wait until tomorrow to start the next one (and it's after 11pm already as I write this). Which makes me annoyed, because it is now obvious that I'm going to have to cough up the exorbitant cost of the third and fourth books in hard back, as B&N doesn't carry them in the more affordable paper back yet.

I'm not even going to critique this book like I normally would. Why bother? This book is horrible on many levels, but WHO CARES because I loved it anyways. Never before has the term guilty pleasure been so accurately illustrated as in this book. It's basically vampire chick lit. Granted the characters are a little younger than your average chick lit book, but not really, because Edward is actually like 300 years old. Which maybe makes it a little less shameful that I have a mini crush on him? Maybe? Probably not. Sigh.

I’m so embarrassed by my love for this book. I think it maybe all boils down to the romance factor? It’s so ridiculously romantic and I am a total sucker for romance. There’s a lot of moody staring at each other and the sexual tension is thicker than the fog in Forks with him all, “I love you so much but I’m a vampire and can’t get too close for fear that I’ll suck your blood!” And maybe most importantly, he carries her like a princess on more than one occasion. Ever since I was a teenager, I’ve had a huge crush on the idea of a guy carrying me “like a princess”. Photo illustration of said technique:

I ask Jeff to do it all the time and he relents maybe once a year but then totally wrecks it by moaning and groaning about how I’m breaking his back. Oh Real Life, how I hate thee.